Back in November 2009

So I am back. It has been a while. I put in some big effort at the beginning of this year and it is time to evaluate.

I think I really approached this 10 months ago from in intellectual standpoint. My perspective has been: If I practice methodically listening to recordings evaluation looking for progress and weaknesses that I will make progress.

Unfortunately that was not necessarily the case. I almost found that the more I evaluated and critically listened the worse I played.

I think there is a place for practicing diligently with schedules and goals but - evaluation and comparison don't seem to work very well with me. I am pretty honest about my playing and know what I can do well and how it sounds. That is not much of a problem with me. What is a problem with me is fear. I am nervous, and often contained by my fear of letting loose and playing. Mark mentioned that about Mason and I agree.

So for me the intelectual method of evaluation and concentrating on the weaknesses and working on them just feeds into my critical nature and adds to my idea that I am not able to play up to a certain level. That I suck.

It has been very good to hear the boys comment on missing me - everyone has said something. Mason told me "believe it or not you have a little fan club here and we miss you when your gone." That kind of validation really shores up my confidence and allows me to step up to the next level. I really need to hear that kind of stuff from others and mostly from myself and need to really believe it.

So what is opposite of the evaluation/critical approach to learning? Non-judgmental, positive reienforcement, celebrate, take it for what it is, enjoy what it is now, don't compare even with yourself.

I now am thinking that listening back to recordings is detrimental for me. If I was a person who had an inflated view of what I can do and was more like Hailey - then she could probably gain from listing to recordings of her playing and realize what it is she needs to work on... I don't need that. I know what I need to work on and even more so I don't need a recording to tell me how I am playing right now.

My goal is to play more in the moment, to think and evaluate less, to listen to the song and the music and loosen up and let it flow more, to relax and just play, to trust myself and what I can do right now - not always looking if only I had 100hrs of practice and just learned this then I would be better. Just play now get into the music play your heart out push it with what you have right now. If you are doing that - you have arrived.

That should be my focus going into the winter woodshedding playing season.